I Feel A Nervous Breakdown Coming On.... (w/ plenty of explicit language.....)

I am so tired and so fed up with people that I could scream. Really, I should find the thickest pillow I can find and just scream into it as loud as I possibly can. I just might have to do that. I will add a metal note to add that to the list of ten thousand other things I need to do. I might get around to doing it here in the next few days, or weeks.... Crap! I have no time for a mental breakdown right now but I feel one coming.

You know those, I know you do. Where everything in your daily life just keeps piling up so high that you don't even know where to begin. On top of that, you are in the midst of a flare, or you can feel one creeping up on you. That is when it gets you. That is when it strikes. When the pain becomes unbearable again and you look at your pile of crap to attend to, and all you can do is break down. Your whole world collapses around you for awhile and all you can do is plan an escape from it. I know you know how this goes..... You have been here before. Probably time and time again....

God knows I have been here so many times before. The sad part is (not to toot my own horn here) I am one of the strongest people that I know. I know a whole lot of strong people, but I am one of them. I have a great career, a great family, a great husband and child, with our own house and enough money to cover our bills. At 24, I would say I am doing pretty damn good for myself. I am one lucky person, but I have busted my tush to get where I am at. I am mentally strong. Hell, I have had to be my whole life. I feel like if the concept of reincarnation is truthful, then I have lived many times over already. I can claw my way out of depression and anxiety at its worst (well, most of the time). But, I will tell you that even I get to the point where I just need to break.

Maybe 10 ice cold Budweisers would do the trick?.. Then I have to remind myself that it is NOON. Although it is probably 5 O'clock somewhere, it sure as hell isn't here. So I hop in my car and I just drive....... anywhere really. Around the lake, through the back roads, or just anywhere I can roll down the windows and breathe the fresh air for a little bit. I get to be alone when I drive, and anyone who is a mother can understand how much of a rarity that is! I just want to be ALONE sometimes. Not because I don't like people or because I don't like spending time with my loved ones, but because when I am alone I have time to try to find myself again. I get lost in this hollow stranger of a body I have. The real me just gets trapped in there; screaming to be set free. Sometimes I just need to spend time alone to find her again. This usually includes driving or writing for me. These are some things I NEED in order to keep me...... well, me.

 

Problem is, it usually takes me quite a bit of solitude to find me and bring me back. That is not something I can get a lot of. I am a busy mom and have a busy career that I can't really get away from for long enough. I really want to disappear into the woods for the weekend but my job requires that I have constant cell service, and that is if I even get a "weekend". Weekend? What does that even mean? Dear Lord, I need a vacation. On the days that I actually do not have to attend to something at the restaurant, I get to spend it cleaning the house. Oh goodie! Sometimes my days off are more work than a day at work. I end up dripping sweat while scrubbing the crap that needs to be scrubbed, vacuuming, dusting, folding, washing, sweeping, mopping, etc., etc., etc.,...... etc., etc. And more etc. You get the stinking picture! And you know because you have probably been there! If I don't do it, then who the f**k will? My husband says (bless his well-meaning and naïve heart) "If you don't feel like doing it, then don't do it." Well, my love, then who is? Are you going to do it?


Now, don't get me wrong. My husband is supportive and helpful. He works hard at his job too, and he does his chores, and often offers help, but he isn't going to remember that the toilet needs to be scrubbed! Maybe once it has an inch thick film on it..... EWW! Is he going to remember that the sheets need to be changed and that it has been a year since the last time the oven has been scrubbed.... Um, no. He won't. Will he remember that the dogs and fish need to be fed, as well as the child? Does he even know how to cook anything besides Ramen noodles and elk steaks? I do not even know! Does he have any clue on what days the kiddo gets his baths? Probably not. I wonder if the hundreds of leftovers in the fridge would grow legs and wander to the garbage themselves? "Just don't to it.......?" That is an absolutely ludacris idea! It wouldn't get done. So, guess who is going to keep doing it.... I will give you two guesses, but you will only need one.

 

Women work their little tails off, boys! In case you have not noticed, which you probably haven't. On top of the old stereotype of the woman being the home caretaker, the child caretaker, and the husband caretaker, we are also expected to keep an income coming in as well. With all these things to do it is no wonder that our libidos are in the negative! We have no energy for that shit because we are too busy taking care of (almost) EVERYTHING! When we ask for help, it is like we are making you go out of your stinking way to help. But you want help getting rid of your erection? Ha! Well I want help folding the laundry and changing that shitty diaper for the tenth time today. Welcome to this century boys! Time to step it up because God knows that women have already stepped up 10-fold. This isn't the 50's. Time to realize that women will soon take over the world if you can't step it up because we will have to start taking care of that part too!

Maybe it's my meds (or lack there of) talking, but boy I am so cranky and tired that it is probably best for everybody's sake if I do spend some time alone. Either way, I'll get back to doing what I do. But maybe a vacay should be in the plans, soon. 


How many of you have gotten to the point where you knew that there was a breakdown, a major flare, or both coming? You are more than welcome to rant here. We all need it....

-Aimee

Blog Spotlight: Chronically Creative

I am spending some much needed alone time while the toddler is napping reading blogs. I stumbled across this post in my random browsing and it is one of the most heartfelt and relatable posts I have ever come across. I feel like I can relate to what Emily, Miss Chronically Creative, writes as she explains what it is like trying to maintain relationships with a chronic illness. Finding things that we can hope for during our most lonely periods is important. For me, it is reading blogs and now writing one. I find comfort in reading other people's stories, and it is one thing that keeps me going. Thank you Emily, if you are to find this. Your blog is very inspiring and I appreciate your honesty.

Check it out here:

Chronically Creative

http://www.chronicallycreative.net/2012/09/finding-hope-in-loneliness.html

Speaking Up On Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia and chronic pain conditions are awfully lonely ailments to live with. Not many people know that millions of people live in nearly constant pain. It is not common knowledge. In fact, although fibromyalgia has been around for numerous years, it has only been almost fully accepted within the last few years. Most of the time if you were to tell someone that you had fibromyalgia they would look at you like you have 8 heads. So even if it is accepted by the medical community, it is still not a condition that is widely known by everyday people. Of course, once you are diagnosed, your family may become more knowledgeable about it if you are lucky. They might try to do some research and learn the most they can about it, but most won't. Though, in my own opinion, if they truly cared they would make an effort to at least educate themselves about your condition and how it affects you. But, on the other side, it is also our responsibility to help them become more educated about our condition. This is the hard part! There are some resources out there with things you can print off for your family members, but most do not really touch on what it is really like to live with chronic pain. So what can we do? We could make our own pamphlet with all the information we feel is relevant to our situation. We could write a poem or letter to our family members. We could draw what we think chronic pain looks like. We could write a song or prepare some sort of speech. Whatever your talents are focus on that to get you started. If you are good at drawing, start there. Let's create some amazing informational pieces for family members that millions of people could use to help them describe what it is like. Let's raise awareness! If you know of any great resources, please share.

Really, one of the first tasks to tackle after being diagnosed is to talk to your family and friends. This sounds so simple, but yet it is one of the most difficult things to do. I struggle with this every day. One thing we always worry about is that we won't be taken seriously. This usually stems from the years it takes to even get a diagnosis and the years we felt misunderstood and ignored by our doctors, family members, and friends. We could have spent years of our lives being thought of as lazy, crazy, or as hypochondriacs, I know I did. Those were the most difficult years of my life, and I just learned to change the way I relate to people including becoming more closed off about my illness. Besides feeling misunderstood we also don't want to complain to people. When we do talk about it, we assume that the person having to listen to us thinks we are only complaining and whining about our misfortune when really, we just need to vent, to be heard. We worry that we will put extra burden on our loved ones by telling them about it. We don't want to make others worry about us or feel sorry for us, we just want understanding. Mostly, we don't want to hurt people, and we know that the people that love us hurt when they know we are suffering. It isn't easy on them either. Watching the one you love suffer and not being able to do anything to help. I imagine it is a harsh reality for them as well. So, not only does our illness cause us to suffer, but also those around us as well.

If you broke your leg or have some sort of skin condition, there is at least some story behind it or some physical evidence of it being there. People can see it. You have a cast that is visible and often other people have broken something and can relate in some way, or they might even ask about it. It is not like that with an invisible illness. For the most part, nobody has any idea you even have a chronic illness. Nobody is going to ask about something they do not know about. Nobody is going to say, "Oh, how much longer until you are all healed up?" (and if they did, we would probably get a bit bent over the comment). There is no healing of chronic conditions. They are just that, CHRONIC, meaning long-term, FOREVER! It will not go away, and it cannot be cured. Yes, there are things that can help some, but it is something we will live with for the rest of our lives. The pain, the fatigue, the brain fog, the unbearable twitching, and wreathing, and crawling, and stabbing sensations. The bowel irritability, the depression and anxiety spells, the exertion intolerance, the hundreds of symptoms. Those are not going away. In a way, we learn to live this way. We teach ourselves how to ignore the pain and twitching. We learn how to hide our symptoms. We learn how to get around and space out our days. We learn what helps and what doesn't. Honestly, chronic illness is very time consuming. It is amazing how much effort and time goes into trying to make yourself feel just a little bit better. Hours and hours every month spent in doctors' offices, physical therapy, and other therapies. Not to mention the amount of time we spend trying to learn as much as possible about your particular illness. I don't know about you all, but I spend hours learning about all of my illnesses and trying my best to find things that can help me more. I like to be educated about whatever I am dealing with, so much of my time goes into that.

In all reality, it's not like you can strike up a conversation about pain. Nobody really wants to talk about pain or unfortunate situations. It is only in our nature to avoid subjects involving pain and unpleasantness. Besides, trying to talk about our unpleasant symptoms only makes other people feel uncomfortable. We see it, and we really try not to make people feel uncomfortable with us. We feel as if we are dragging our loved ones down with us. This is not something we want to do. Hence the reason we typically just stay quiet about it. There is no sense in making other people awkward and uncomfortable along with us. Why drag others down with us? But, what happens when we avoid talking about our situation for extended periods of time?  Well, we go bat-shit crazy is what happens.

We tend to start secluding ourselves from the outside world for fear of the pain brought upon ourselves and others. We fear pain so much that it controls every waking decision of our lives. We start obsessing on how to make ourselves better. We hide from our friends and family so they don't find out how bad it really is. We fight tooth and nail to make it through the rough times, and we use every bit of energy trying to get well again knowing that it may never happen. We loose ourselves in the midst of our illness.

If we do not find some sort of way to communicate, our illness can and will consume us. So, I suppose that whether or not we are perceived as whining, lazy, hypochondriacs we have got to speak up and speak out. Write a poem, a speech, a letter. Make a blog, a diary, a craft collection. Raise awareness and don't be ashamed. Attend a support group, or create a chronic illness event. Do what makes you happy and allows you to have a voice. Let's stop being ashamed, scared, and secluded. Let's find a cure!

Two Takes on Fibro from the American Chronic Pain Association

These are some interesting survey results by the American Chronic Pain Association:

This was found at http://theacpa.org/TwoTakesOnFibro.aspx

On this same page, there is another, lengthier survey (the Executive Summary) that also has very interesting results. Please, check it out. I am working on getting it up on Fibromyalgia Files, but until then, this is where you can find it.

 

 

On the ACPAs website, there are many helpful tools for people with fibromyalgia and their supporters. This survey shows us that more often than not, the general population has a different view of fibromyalgia in some aspects, yet has the same views in other areas. For more information visit the American Chronic Pain Association webpage at theacpa.org

 

Colaborative Reading and Information List for People With Chronic Illness

 

This is a collection of reading materials from other sites and such. They are all things I find interesting and think that other people with chronic illness will find interesting as well. I would like to make this a collective effort by the chronic illness community, so please feel free to pass on your favorite reading materials and they will be added to this list. You can do this by using the comments, or emailing the information to me. Thanks for your help! -Aimee (aimflo21@gmail.com)
 

 

Magazines & Books

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Magazine from the National Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Association: (Please participate in their survey Hydrocodone Rescheduling: The First 100 Days)

http://www.joomag.com/magazine/fibromyalgia-chronic-pain-life-spring-2015-issue-11/0105718001425619808?short

 

 

Videos

 

Struggling to be Me With Chronic Pain:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPpu7dXJFRI

 

 



 

 

Clinical Reviews/Case Studies/In-Depth Reading

 



Oxidative Stress

http://www.oxidativestressresource.org/

Oxidative Stress in Fibromyalgia
http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00296-003-0427-8

Oxidative Stress and Mitochondrial Dysfunction in Fibromyalgia

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20424583

Mitochondrial Dysfunction- A Biomarker for Fibromyalgia and ME/CFS?
http://www.prohealth.com/library/showarticle.cfm?libid=18130

Mitochondrial Myopathy Presenting as Fibromyalgia (Case Study)
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/761364

Drugs Cause Mitochondrial Damage
psychrights.org/research/Digest/.../DrugsCauseMitochondrialDamage.PD...
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CCcQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fpsychrights.org%2Fresearch%2FDigest%2FNLPs%2FDrugsCauseMitochondrialDamage.PDF&ei=QNwOVZ3rMc3coATWgoDwCw&usg=AFQjCNGvk016HTfiedDe4nv5K2fTjv0T7Q&sig2=EQ6oYl_s9SuEiCST0zaXtw&bvm=bv.88528373,d.cGU

 

 

Humor

 

You Know You Have A Chronic Illness When.....

Reprint with permission of author, Lisa Copen, Copyright 2012.



http://invisibleillnessweek.com/2009/05/12/you-know-you-have-a-chronic-illness-when/

Chronic Illness Humor
Courtesy of quirkygirl22
http://whatshouldwecallchronicillness.tumblr.com/

Sick Humor: The Top Ten Worse Suggestions Given to Someone With A Chronic Illness
Via Amy-Beth Maran @ But You Don't Look Sick
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/sick-humor/sick-humor-the-top-ten-worst-suggestions-commonly-given-to-someone-with-a-chronic-illness/

Chronic Illness Humor: Memes
Susie @ Pins and Procrastination, Great Blog, Thank you!
http://pinsandprocrastination.com/chronic-illness-humor/

Other Blog Posts

What It’s Really Like To Be Chronically Ill

The worst part is that there is no escape. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no happy ending. There is no way to make the incurable go away.

Lauren Anne, 1 Aug 2014

http://thoughtcatalog.com/lauren-anne/2014/08/what-its-really-like-to-be-chronically-ill/

13 Reasons Why "You don't look sick/disabled" is Not a Compliment
Thanks to: So, Yeah, Anyways! Blog

http://soooyeahanyway.tumblr.com/post/89463472057/13-reasons-why-you-dont-look-sick-disabled-is

A Fantastic Tumblr Post on Dismissal
Via: Making The Invisible Visible. Thank you!

http://chronicallyinvisible.tumblr.com/post/86284061718/dismissal
 

10 Things You Should Say to Someone with Chronic Illness
Thank you to Susie @ Pins and Procrastination

http://pinsandprocrastination.com/10-things-you-should-say-to-someone-with-a-chronic-illness/

Headache in the Temples
Tony @ Integrative Body Works

http://integrativeworks.com/understanding-trigger-points-headache-at-your-temple/

 

Patients & Providers Tell Stories of Dreaded Urine Drug Test

Dr. Jeffrey Fudin's Blog

http://paindr.com/patients-providers-tell-stories-of-dreaded-urine-drug-test/

 

The Healthy Brain Food In Every Fridge That Gets Overlooked
PsyBlog- Understand Your Mind, 2015
http://www.spring.org.uk/2015/03/the-healthy-brain-food-in-every-fridge-that-gets-overlooked.php

The Things You Should Avoid Saying to Young People Living With Arthritis
Chronically Creative
http://www.chronicallycreative.net/2012/10/the-things-you-should-avoid-saying-to.html

 

To the friends and family of people with fibromyalgia

To the friends and families of people with chronic pain conditions and/or fibromyalgia:

I would love to spend some time addressing just what exactly fibromyalgia is. Fibromyalgia is a central nervous system disorder that branches off from an even broader condition called dysautonomia. Firstly, because fibromyalgia can be a consequence of dysautonomia, we should learn what that means. Dysautonomia is a general disregulation of the autonomic and sympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic nervous system controls everything that you have no conscious control of (eg., breathing, heart rate, body temperature, vasodilation/constriction, digestion, and much more). When the central nervous system enters a state of disregulation, chemicals become imbalanced, the signals get confused, and it becomes, more or less, stuck in the state we would call dysautonomia. Having dysautonomia may often lead to developing fibromyalgia. Now, this means that people with fibromyalgia would also have dysautonomia because this is where it stems from. Although scientists are not exactly positive about the cause of fibromyalgia, current studies point to a central sensitization component. Studies on this show that the brains of people with fibromyalgia interpret pain in a much different way than people without. The signals that are sent from our bodies are misinterpreted by the brain as pain. This does not, in any way, mean that the pain is not there, or that it is not real. The nervous system just seems to forget how to turn those pain signals off. The brains of people with fibromyalgia also show physical changes, such as shrinkage in some areas known to be correlated with pain and the perception of pain. Other studies show that the quality of sleep that fibromyalgia sufferers have is under par compared to that of someone without. Our sleep has been proven to be interrupted by awake-like periods that keep us from entering the deep, restful sleep that is needed to heal the body. Many more studies are being conducted as well. Needless to say, fibromyalgia is a real disease, with very real symptoms, that should be managed by a medical professional.

The symptoms of fibromyalgia are extremely diverse, and everyone experiences them a bit differently and to various degrees. Because it affects the central nervous system, nothing is off limits when it comes to symptoms. The most commonly known, and most prominent symptom of fibromyalgia is pain, wide spread pain. The pain of fibromyalgia is not limited to one area, or even a few areas at a time. Often, it is usually prominent, and moderately to severely painful, in many areas of the body at once, compared to the other areas, which simply ache at the same time. It is almost an indescribable pain, one that encompasses every part of your being. On the best of days, everything only aches. The pains move rapidly, or they build up after one another.  Shooting pains, stabbing pains, aching pains, throbbing pains, you name it, we get it on the daily. The second most problematic symptom for me is the extreme fatigue. Many people with fibromyalgia also have a diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome. This causes debilitating fatigue that makes it difficult to complete everyday tasks. This is most often caused by the lack of restorative sleep that most fibromites experience on a nightly basis. It is much different from the being tired from a long day at work. The exhaustion that people with chronic fatigue feel is far beyond the point of just tiredness, and they feel it nearly constantly. Feeling tired is only baseline for us, so when we finally complain that we are tired it means we are exhausted. Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) is also very common in people with fibromyalgia. This often causes pain in the stomach, alternating diarrhea and constipation, and sensitivities to food among other things. Fibromyalgia is also notorious for causing headaches, frequent ones. It is linked with migraines and tension headaches, but I seem to experience a mixture of both that come and go on a daily basis, often lasting for several weeks at a time. Sensitivities to stimulation are also a huge factor in fibromyalgia. Loud or repetitive noises, bright or flashing lights, or fluorescent lights can be interpreted as pain to fibromyalgia sufferers. Large groups of people, or being around emotional stimulation too long can be over stimulating for many people with central nervous system disorders. Overstimulation often leads to more or worsening symptoms. Twitching, muscle spasms, and spasticity are common muscle symptoms. Cognitive issues such as memory problems and speech disturbances affect many, as well as depression and anxiety. Heat intolerance, cold intolerance, exertional intolerance, chemical sensitivities, rashes, dry eyes, dry mouth, dizziness, malaise, and much, much more. These are only a few of the symptoms that are experienced by people with fibromyalgia.

As you can see, there are a significant amount of symptoms associated with fibromyalgia. Because of the wide array of symptoms doctors, family, and friends are quick to dismiss the many problems as being made up or of the psychiatric nature. After it was found that between 3 and 5 million people have this same kind of story to tell, the scientific community started becoming a bit more responsive about admitting there was a basis to these complaints. There is now scientific evidence proving the validity of the disease, formerly called a syndrome. The hard part is not convincing the scientific community, nor convincing the doctor that sees you, rather the friends and family that see you most often. Fibromyalgia is considered a "invisible illness" because it cannot be detected by just looking at someone. People watch you complete everyday activities all the time, but they do not see how much pain you are in while doing them. Fibromyalgia can create a great deal of difficulty with the simplest of tasks. A person with fibromyalgia cannot push as hard as a person without or their condition can escalate into a flare. A flare is a period of time where the symptoms and pain increase considerably compared to that of that particular person's baseline level of pain, fatigue, and other symptoms. Flares can be brought on by heat, cold, stress, exertion, or illness. This makes it more difficult for others to understand or sympathize because the sufferer could be "normal" for stretches, and then all of the sudden become tired, in pain, cranky, and depressed for another long stretch. Employers, although required to make adjustments to meet the needs of the employee with fibromyalgia, often brush the person off as lazy or unreliable and are quick to replace the individual. At least 1 in every 50 people you meet has fibromyalgia, but you would never be able to tell those who do from those who don't.

Those who do have fibromyalgia typically fall into a distinct "type-A" kind of personality. They have big dreams and a lot of goals to meet. They have a "get er' done" kind of attitude about them, but they also tend to have a high amount of stress in their lives. Some point to this as the cause of their ailments, but studies have not proven it. People with fibromyalgia are strong, some of the strongest people you will ever meet. They tend to hide their pain from their loved ones and often suffer in silence. They try their best to look and feel as "normal" as possible, but often struggle at keeping up with work, kids, the household, and a social life. Friends are often cancelled on last minute because the sufferer is not feeling well or is hurting. Many people with fibromyalgia cannot hold a steady job because of the unpredictability of their illness and must rely on assistance for income. Others can work with difficulty if the work conditions are favorable enough. Either way, fibromyalgia affects everybody differently. Because their is no cure, people with fibromyalgia are expected to live the remainder of their lives in pain.

Because sufferers face the harsh realities of knowing that the rest of their life will be lived in pain, a huge number of people with fibromyalgia also are affected by depression and anxiety. Who wouldn't feel hopeless and miserable knowing that their lives are be to lived in a massive amount of pain with no end? Luckily there are a few treatments that may improve these symptoms, but there is nothing that can cure fibromyalgia. Please help us to raise awareness so that one day there might be hope for a cure.