When Personalities Conflict With Illness

My personality and my illnesses do NOT work well together at all. I like to be busy, with some rest time of course. I like to be challenged at whatever I do. At work I continually take on more and more wherever I can, although my pay doesn't compensate me nearly enough to do so. I do it anyways because I get bored without a constant challenge. I always want to learn how to do more, more, more. I always try to find the fastest, most efficient ways to complete everything. I would say that has become a talent of mine after developing fibromyalgia. Making big tasks smaller and more manageable I suppose. We all have to learn it to make our lives a little bit easier. If we can make every single task a little easier, a little faster, and a little more efficient, then we are saving ourselves tons of time and energy in the long term, or at least I like to think so. That is what I keep telling myself.

In all reality though, living with a chronic illness that no one else sees can be devastatingly difficult. There are only so many ways to attempt to make our lives easier. I can only find the fastest, most efficient way to do the dishes, but I cannot make them do themselves. I can find the easiest ways to complete my job, but that job still needs to be completed. When you have fibromyalgia or any other chronic illness, everything seems more difficult than it used to. Walking up and down the stairs in my house is quite honestly so difficult for me that I dread having to go downstairs to do laundry or whatnot when I am not feeling up to it. It doesn't mean that I cannot physically go down the stairs because I sure as hell can, but the amount of energy that it uses simply isn't worth it to me. It is amazing how one flight of stairs can make me feel like I just ran the Boston Marathon. I get dizzy, nauseous, extremely fatigued, and my legs feel like Jello afterwards. It is literally exhausting to use the stairs for me, yet every time I visit the doctor or any other place that has an elevator, I still choose to use the stairs because I am just that stubborn.

I can't avoid the stairs for all eternity, although I wish I could. I take the stairs for the conditioning I suppose, or just to prove to myself that I can. Every time I regret it because I am worn the heck out afterwards. How embarrassing is that? Most people would think "Wow, you must be really unfit." There are some days after work that I pull into my garage and just sit in my car because I just cannot find the energy to get out of my car and go inside. Sometimes I just cannot find the energy to even speak to people. People might find me to be rude or anti-social, but in all reality, people just take a ton of energy. Even just having a conversation is so tiring that I feel like I might pass out from exhaustion. This really doesn't bode well for my social life. People think I am mad at them, or they get mad at me for not keeping in touch, but I simply do not have enough energy to maintain healthy friendships. I have lost a lot of friends over the years for not being able to keep up with them. Sure, I have canceled plans may of times, not because I wanted to but because I had to.

Good friends are hard to find, and good friends that understand your limitations are much more difficult to come by. I kind of wish I had a friend that also shared my condition so that we could cancel plans on each other whenever we wanted and not feel guilty about it or at least know they understand. Imagine a friend that would not hold you up to every plan that you made with them, and understood that when you are having a bad day that it had nothing to do with them, that it was just a bad day. They wouldn't require that you chatted with them the whole time, and you could just sit in silence with them and be alright. They would know that "maybe you should exercise more", or "just be positive and it will go away" are not the things we want to hear. Imagine that friend. I want that friend, and I need that friend. No body that does not live with fibromyalgia can possibly even begin to understand the depths that the pain reaches. It reaches all parts of you; your entire body, your heart, your mind, and your soul. They are all in pain. Every aspect of me is in pain. I need someone who understands that as well as I do.

In the meantime, I pour my thoughts onto this blog, allowing it to relieve a fraction of the pain. Not only do I write to help myself, but I do hope that someone, somewhere feels they can relate to my pain. I do hope to help people with fibromyalgia and chronic pain whether it be just rambling on about things they can relate to, or being that friend that everyone with chronic pain needs. I find the community that is involved in fibromyalgia, chronic pain, and chronic fatigue to be quite inspiring and I love reading other people's stories. If anything, I hope there is one person out there that my ramblings have helped.

Until next time,

-Aimee

I Feel A Nervous Breakdown Coming On.... (w/ plenty of explicit language.....)

I am so tired and so fed up with people that I could scream. Really, I should find the thickest pillow I can find and just scream into it as loud as I possibly can. I just might have to do that. I will add a metal note to add that to the list of ten thousand other things I need to do. I might get around to doing it here in the next few days, or weeks.... Crap! I have no time for a mental breakdown right now but I feel one coming.

You know those, I know you do. Where everything in your daily life just keeps piling up so high that you don't even know where to begin. On top of that, you are in the midst of a flare, or you can feel one creeping up on you. That is when it gets you. That is when it strikes. When the pain becomes unbearable again and you look at your pile of crap to attend to, and all you can do is break down. Your whole world collapses around you for awhile and all you can do is plan an escape from it. I know you know how this goes..... You have been here before. Probably time and time again....

God knows I have been here so many times before. The sad part is (not to toot my own horn here) I am one of the strongest people that I know. I know a whole lot of strong people, but I am one of them. I have a great career, a great family, a great husband and child, with our own house and enough money to cover our bills. At 24, I would say I am doing pretty damn good for myself. I am one lucky person, but I have busted my tush to get where I am at. I am mentally strong. Hell, I have had to be my whole life. I feel like if the concept of reincarnation is truthful, then I have lived many times over already. I can claw my way out of depression and anxiety at its worst (well, most of the time). But, I will tell you that even I get to the point where I just need to break.

Maybe 10 ice cold Budweisers would do the trick?.. Then I have to remind myself that it is NOON. Although it is probably 5 O'clock somewhere, it sure as hell isn't here. So I hop in my car and I just drive....... anywhere really. Around the lake, through the back roads, or just anywhere I can roll down the windows and breathe the fresh air for a little bit. I get to be alone when I drive, and anyone who is a mother can understand how much of a rarity that is! I just want to be ALONE sometimes. Not because I don't like people or because I don't like spending time with my loved ones, but because when I am alone I have time to try to find myself again. I get lost in this hollow stranger of a body I have. The real me just gets trapped in there; screaming to be set free. Sometimes I just need to spend time alone to find her again. This usually includes driving or writing for me. These are some things I NEED in order to keep me...... well, me.

 

Problem is, it usually takes me quite a bit of solitude to find me and bring me back. That is not something I can get a lot of. I am a busy mom and have a busy career that I can't really get away from for long enough. I really want to disappear into the woods for the weekend but my job requires that I have constant cell service, and that is if I even get a "weekend". Weekend? What does that even mean? Dear Lord, I need a vacation. On the days that I actually do not have to attend to something at the restaurant, I get to spend it cleaning the house. Oh goodie! Sometimes my days off are more work than a day at work. I end up dripping sweat while scrubbing the crap that needs to be scrubbed, vacuuming, dusting, folding, washing, sweeping, mopping, etc., etc., etc.,...... etc., etc. And more etc. You get the stinking picture! And you know because you have probably been there! If I don't do it, then who the f**k will? My husband says (bless his well-meaning and naïve heart) "If you don't feel like doing it, then don't do it." Well, my love, then who is? Are you going to do it?


Now, don't get me wrong. My husband is supportive and helpful. He works hard at his job too, and he does his chores, and often offers help, but he isn't going to remember that the toilet needs to be scrubbed! Maybe once it has an inch thick film on it..... EWW! Is he going to remember that the sheets need to be changed and that it has been a year since the last time the oven has been scrubbed.... Um, no. He won't. Will he remember that the dogs and fish need to be fed, as well as the child? Does he even know how to cook anything besides Ramen noodles and elk steaks? I do not even know! Does he have any clue on what days the kiddo gets his baths? Probably not. I wonder if the hundreds of leftovers in the fridge would grow legs and wander to the garbage themselves? "Just don't to it.......?" That is an absolutely ludacris idea! It wouldn't get done. So, guess who is going to keep doing it.... I will give you two guesses, but you will only need one.

 

Women work their little tails off, boys! In case you have not noticed, which you probably haven't. On top of the old stereotype of the woman being the home caretaker, the child caretaker, and the husband caretaker, we are also expected to keep an income coming in as well. With all these things to do it is no wonder that our libidos are in the negative! We have no energy for that shit because we are too busy taking care of (almost) EVERYTHING! When we ask for help, it is like we are making you go out of your stinking way to help. But you want help getting rid of your erection? Ha! Well I want help folding the laundry and changing that shitty diaper for the tenth time today. Welcome to this century boys! Time to step it up because God knows that women have already stepped up 10-fold. This isn't the 50's. Time to realize that women will soon take over the world if you can't step it up because we will have to start taking care of that part too!

Maybe it's my meds (or lack there of) talking, but boy I am so cranky and tired that it is probably best for everybody's sake if I do spend some time alone. Either way, I'll get back to doing what I do. But maybe a vacay should be in the plans, soon. 


How many of you have gotten to the point where you knew that there was a breakdown, a major flare, or both coming? You are more than welcome to rant here. We all need it....

-Aimee

Blog Spotlight: Chronically Creative

I am spending some much needed alone time while the toddler is napping reading blogs. I stumbled across this post in my random browsing and it is one of the most heartfelt and relatable posts I have ever come across. I feel like I can relate to what Emily, Miss Chronically Creative, writes as she explains what it is like trying to maintain relationships with a chronic illness. Finding things that we can hope for during our most lonely periods is important. For me, it is reading blogs and now writing one. I find comfort in reading other people's stories, and it is one thing that keeps me going. Thank you Emily, if you are to find this. Your blog is very inspiring and I appreciate your honesty.

Check it out here:

Chronically Creative

http://www.chronicallycreative.net/2012/09/finding-hope-in-loneliness.html