I Feel A Nervous Breakdown Coming On.... (w/ plenty of explicit language.....)

I am so tired and so fed up with people that I could scream. Really, I should find the thickest pillow I can find and just scream into it as loud as I possibly can. I just might have to do that. I will add a metal note to add that to the list of ten thousand other things I need to do. I might get around to doing it here in the next few days, or weeks.... Crap! I have no time for a mental breakdown right now but I feel one coming.

You know those, I know you do. Where everything in your daily life just keeps piling up so high that you don't even know where to begin. On top of that, you are in the midst of a flare, or you can feel one creeping up on you. That is when it gets you. That is when it strikes. When the pain becomes unbearable again and you look at your pile of crap to attend to, and all you can do is break down. Your whole world collapses around you for awhile and all you can do is plan an escape from it. I know you know how this goes..... You have been here before. Probably time and time again....

God knows I have been here so many times before. The sad part is (not to toot my own horn here) I am one of the strongest people that I know. I know a whole lot of strong people, but I am one of them. I have a great career, a great family, a great husband and child, with our own house and enough money to cover our bills. At 24, I would say I am doing pretty damn good for myself. I am one lucky person, but I have busted my tush to get where I am at. I am mentally strong. Hell, I have had to be my whole life. I feel like if the concept of reincarnation is truthful, then I have lived many times over already. I can claw my way out of depression and anxiety at its worst (well, most of the time). But, I will tell you that even I get to the point where I just need to break.

Maybe 10 ice cold Budweisers would do the trick?.. Then I have to remind myself that it is NOON. Although it is probably 5 O'clock somewhere, it sure as hell isn't here. So I hop in my car and I just drive....... anywhere really. Around the lake, through the back roads, or just anywhere I can roll down the windows and breathe the fresh air for a little bit. I get to be alone when I drive, and anyone who is a mother can understand how much of a rarity that is! I just want to be ALONE sometimes. Not because I don't like people or because I don't like spending time with my loved ones, but because when I am alone I have time to try to find myself again. I get lost in this hollow stranger of a body I have. The real me just gets trapped in there; screaming to be set free. Sometimes I just need to spend time alone to find her again. This usually includes driving or writing for me. These are some things I NEED in order to keep me...... well, me.

 

Problem is, it usually takes me quite a bit of solitude to find me and bring me back. That is not something I can get a lot of. I am a busy mom and have a busy career that I can't really get away from for long enough. I really want to disappear into the woods for the weekend but my job requires that I have constant cell service, and that is if I even get a "weekend". Weekend? What does that even mean? Dear Lord, I need a vacation. On the days that I actually do not have to attend to something at the restaurant, I get to spend it cleaning the house. Oh goodie! Sometimes my days off are more work than a day at work. I end up dripping sweat while scrubbing the crap that needs to be scrubbed, vacuuming, dusting, folding, washing, sweeping, mopping, etc., etc., etc.,...... etc., etc. And more etc. You get the stinking picture! And you know because you have probably been there! If I don't do it, then who the f**k will? My husband says (bless his well-meaning and naïve heart) "If you don't feel like doing it, then don't do it." Well, my love, then who is? Are you going to do it?


Now, don't get me wrong. My husband is supportive and helpful. He works hard at his job too, and he does his chores, and often offers help, but he isn't going to remember that the toilet needs to be scrubbed! Maybe once it has an inch thick film on it..... EWW! Is he going to remember that the sheets need to be changed and that it has been a year since the last time the oven has been scrubbed.... Um, no. He won't. Will he remember that the dogs and fish need to be fed, as well as the child? Does he even know how to cook anything besides Ramen noodles and elk steaks? I do not even know! Does he have any clue on what days the kiddo gets his baths? Probably not. I wonder if the hundreds of leftovers in the fridge would grow legs and wander to the garbage themselves? "Just don't to it.......?" That is an absolutely ludacris idea! It wouldn't get done. So, guess who is going to keep doing it.... I will give you two guesses, but you will only need one.

 

Women work their little tails off, boys! In case you have not noticed, which you probably haven't. On top of the old stereotype of the woman being the home caretaker, the child caretaker, and the husband caretaker, we are also expected to keep an income coming in as well. With all these things to do it is no wonder that our libidos are in the negative! We have no energy for that shit because we are too busy taking care of (almost) EVERYTHING! When we ask for help, it is like we are making you go out of your stinking way to help. But you want help getting rid of your erection? Ha! Well I want help folding the laundry and changing that shitty diaper for the tenth time today. Welcome to this century boys! Time to step it up because God knows that women have already stepped up 10-fold. This isn't the 50's. Time to realize that women will soon take over the world if you can't step it up because we will have to start taking care of that part too!

Maybe it's my meds (or lack there of) talking, but boy I am so cranky and tired that it is probably best for everybody's sake if I do spend some time alone. Either way, I'll get back to doing what I do. But maybe a vacay should be in the plans, soon. 


How many of you have gotten to the point where you knew that there was a breakdown, a major flare, or both coming? You are more than welcome to rant here. We all need it....

-Aimee

For My Love, A Letter From Wife WIth Chronic Illness

I wanted to write a letter to each person that my illness affects in my life, and it will take me some time to get them all done I am sure, but I am going to start with the one person that my sickness affects the most (besides me, of course), my husband. I plan on making it fairly universal so that if anybody else would like to use it, please be my guest. You are more than welcome to copy and paste, or print it off for your significant other, or change it up how ever you want. I would appreciate some credit of course, if applicable.

To my significant other,

I call you my significant other because you ARE the most significant person in my life. My life is intertwined with yours in every way possible and that, to me, is a huge blessing. I do not want to even imagine how my life would be without you. I do, however, sometimes wonder how your life would be without me in it. I say this because I frantically worry about how much better off you would be if you didn't have the difficult task of having a wife with chronic illness. Maybe things would be much more simple for you, maybe not. Not only does my illness affect me in a profound way, I know it affects you too, and I wish I could change that.

Of course you say "I took a vow, in sickness or in health." You should know that it means more to me than anything that even with a sick wife, you are sticking it out with me. You are my partner, my soul, my lover, confidant, and my shoulder to lean on. I know you will always be there for me despite what is "wrong" with me, as I would for you. But, it does not make me feel any less guilty for putting you through it. You deserve the best of the best, and I will never be able to give that to you. Sometimes, knowing this, I draw back. I put my walls up, and close you out. I realize that this does not help, but it is hard not to when I feel like I do not deserve the love that you give me.

With ongoing, ever changing, and extremely unpredictable pain, exhaustion, and other symptoms it is difficult to keep my mood stabilized. This is probably one of the most difficult things for you. One day I can be in a fine mood and be able to participate in just about anything, and the next I am a dark storm cloud about to let the lightning strike at any moment. You should know that I do try my best to keep my mood level and I also try to not let it affect anyone else, but I know it does. I am sorry for that. I do my best. When I am having a negative mood, I attempt to stay quiet and to myself so that it doesn't rub off on you or anyone else. It has to be hard coming home and wondering Hmmm, I wonder what kind of mood my wife is in today?. I am working on that and I am sorry, I'll get there.

I know you also have a hard time when I do not talk to you about my illness. I choose not to talk about it so that I do not bring anyone down with me. I do not want you to think I am just whining to you or wanting you to feel bad for me. If something is bugging me bad enough to say something about it, then it is really bad. Besides, when is there a "good" time to bring it up? It affects every waking moment of my life, and every plan or decision that I make, so I think about it often. Sometimes, I get so lost in trying to figure out what is going on with my body that I forget to include you in it. It is me, you, and this illness now, and I have to start remembering that you are involved too. I want to include you, I just don't know how. So, please if you want to know something about it, ask. If you want to know how I am felling, ask. If you want me to describe things to you or you are confused about something, ask. Seriously, ask me questions! Not only does it make me feel more comfortable talking about it, it also shows me that you care and you want to be included.

Working full time with an illness such as this is quite a feat. I am one of the 25% of people with fibromyalgia that still can work. I am damn lucky to still be working, and to be frankly honest, I do not know how much longer I will be able to hold a full time job. I love working, and I would feel pretty useless without a career. In order to keep my career going, I need your help. Stresses at work do not usually determine if I am having a "bad" or "good" day. My level of pain is what determines if my day is good or bad. A bad day, or a painful day, at work is akin to a full day of elk hunting. I am so beat down and tired by the end of my work day that I literally have barely enough energy to do anything else. Yet, I try my best to go pick up our boy, make dinner, clean up the house, do bath and pajamas, and bedtime. I never have to do all of this myself because you are there for me, always. You never not help. You are so good about helping out around the house that I feel too guilt to ask for any more help. But, babe, there are some days that I simply cannot do it without putting myself into a worsening flare that will leave me near useless for many more days. Those days, you might have to do more than me, but on my good days, I will always make up for it.

I always worry that I keep you from doing the things you love most. I know you imagined us being that couple that hikes mountains together, hunts together, moves massive boulders together. "The couple that hunts together, stays together." I love going with you. I love our time out in the woods hiking, camping, and shooting. There are just times that I cannot participate like I want to. There are times that I may be able to go, but not be very involved. There are times I will not be able to go at all. It just depends on my health at that point in time, but believe me, I want to participate, I want to be there. Please, under no circumstance, let me stop you from going. EVER. I am just as happy at home writing, reading, cleaning (yeah weird, I know), and spending time with the kiddo. I will never use my illness as an excuse to not go because I do not want to go. I will never use my illness as an excuse, period. Know that if I say I cannot handle going, then I really can't.

More often than not, I push myself to do things, go places, that I really shouldn't. I push my body to it's absolute limits just doing normal everyday things that most people would not find difficult at all. I push myself until I can no longer push any longer. I struggle through every single day, and I keep pushing anyways. I push myself into worse health, into flares, because I am too damn stubborn not to. When I have good days, I try to do every single thing that I have been putting off while I was not feeling up to it. I feel good, so I get things done. Then, because I pushed myself too hard on that good day, I receive 5 bad days for that 1 good day. Everything I do has a price and I have not figured out how to balance what I put out with what I have to give yet. I have had this illness for well over 6 years and I still have not figured that part out yet. So, maybe if you could help me find some balance, I might pay more attention to it. Instead of asking if I want to do something (because I will always say yes), maybe ask if I am up for that something. You would be helping me remember to keep some balance.

More than anything I know that this illness hurts you too. I know that it hurts you to see me in pain, and not be able to do anything to help. But, you just being there for me helps immensely. When I am hurting, I use distractions to help me through it. Yes, that means I spend a lot of time on my phone, or on my computer, or reading a book, or plain just pacing around the house. It is a coping mechanism for me, and it does help significantly to distract myself from my vengeful body. Please do not take this as a personal thing because I swear it is not. So, sometimes just keeping me distracted is helpful to me. Sometimes just holding me. Sometimes just letting me cry on your shoulder, and sometimes just sitting quietly with me. No matter what, you being there, that is what helps me the most. You are helping me whether you know it or not. You are the most help I have. You are my anchor. You keep me going strong because you are so strong for me.  I do notice the little things, and the big things, you do. Thank you for everything you do for me and for being here to have and to hold. Forever I am yours.

With love,

Aimee Myles