I Feel A Nervous Breakdown Coming On.... (w/ plenty of explicit language.....)

I am so tired and so fed up with people that I could scream. Really, I should find the thickest pillow I can find and just scream into it as loud as I possibly can. I just might have to do that. I will add a metal note to add that to the list of ten thousand other things I need to do. I might get around to doing it here in the next few days, or weeks.... Crap! I have no time for a mental breakdown right now but I feel one coming.

You know those, I know you do. Where everything in your daily life just keeps piling up so high that you don't even know where to begin. On top of that, you are in the midst of a flare, or you can feel one creeping up on you. That is when it gets you. That is when it strikes. When the pain becomes unbearable again and you look at your pile of crap to attend to, and all you can do is break down. Your whole world collapses around you for awhile and all you can do is plan an escape from it. I know you know how this goes..... You have been here before. Probably time and time again....

God knows I have been here so many times before. The sad part is (not to toot my own horn here) I am one of the strongest people that I know. I know a whole lot of strong people, but I am one of them. I have a great career, a great family, a great husband and child, with our own house and enough money to cover our bills. At 24, I would say I am doing pretty damn good for myself. I am one lucky person, but I have busted my tush to get where I am at. I am mentally strong. Hell, I have had to be my whole life. I feel like if the concept of reincarnation is truthful, then I have lived many times over already. I can claw my way out of depression and anxiety at its worst (well, most of the time). But, I will tell you that even I get to the point where I just need to break.

Maybe 10 ice cold Budweisers would do the trick?.. Then I have to remind myself that it is NOON. Although it is probably 5 O'clock somewhere, it sure as hell isn't here. So I hop in my car and I just drive....... anywhere really. Around the lake, through the back roads, or just anywhere I can roll down the windows and breathe the fresh air for a little bit. I get to be alone when I drive, and anyone who is a mother can understand how much of a rarity that is! I just want to be ALONE sometimes. Not because I don't like people or because I don't like spending time with my loved ones, but because when I am alone I have time to try to find myself again. I get lost in this hollow stranger of a body I have. The real me just gets trapped in there; screaming to be set free. Sometimes I just need to spend time alone to find her again. This usually includes driving or writing for me. These are some things I NEED in order to keep me...... well, me.

 

Problem is, it usually takes me quite a bit of solitude to find me and bring me back. That is not something I can get a lot of. I am a busy mom and have a busy career that I can't really get away from for long enough. I really want to disappear into the woods for the weekend but my job requires that I have constant cell service, and that is if I even get a "weekend". Weekend? What does that even mean? Dear Lord, I need a vacation. On the days that I actually do not have to attend to something at the restaurant, I get to spend it cleaning the house. Oh goodie! Sometimes my days off are more work than a day at work. I end up dripping sweat while scrubbing the crap that needs to be scrubbed, vacuuming, dusting, folding, washing, sweeping, mopping, etc., etc., etc.,...... etc., etc. And more etc. You get the stinking picture! And you know because you have probably been there! If I don't do it, then who the f**k will? My husband says (bless his well-meaning and naïve heart) "If you don't feel like doing it, then don't do it." Well, my love, then who is? Are you going to do it?


Now, don't get me wrong. My husband is supportive and helpful. He works hard at his job too, and he does his chores, and often offers help, but he isn't going to remember that the toilet needs to be scrubbed! Maybe once it has an inch thick film on it..... EWW! Is he going to remember that the sheets need to be changed and that it has been a year since the last time the oven has been scrubbed.... Um, no. He won't. Will he remember that the dogs and fish need to be fed, as well as the child? Does he even know how to cook anything besides Ramen noodles and elk steaks? I do not even know! Does he have any clue on what days the kiddo gets his baths? Probably not. I wonder if the hundreds of leftovers in the fridge would grow legs and wander to the garbage themselves? "Just don't to it.......?" That is an absolutely ludacris idea! It wouldn't get done. So, guess who is going to keep doing it.... I will give you two guesses, but you will only need one.

 

Women work their little tails off, boys! In case you have not noticed, which you probably haven't. On top of the old stereotype of the woman being the home caretaker, the child caretaker, and the husband caretaker, we are also expected to keep an income coming in as well. With all these things to do it is no wonder that our libidos are in the negative! We have no energy for that shit because we are too busy taking care of (almost) EVERYTHING! When we ask for help, it is like we are making you go out of your stinking way to help. But you want help getting rid of your erection? Ha! Well I want help folding the laundry and changing that shitty diaper for the tenth time today. Welcome to this century boys! Time to step it up because God knows that women have already stepped up 10-fold. This isn't the 50's. Time to realize that women will soon take over the world if you can't step it up because we will have to start taking care of that part too!

Maybe it's my meds (or lack there of) talking, but boy I am so cranky and tired that it is probably best for everybody's sake if I do spend some time alone. Either way, I'll get back to doing what I do. But maybe a vacay should be in the plans, soon. 


How many of you have gotten to the point where you knew that there was a breakdown, a major flare, or both coming? You are more than welcome to rant here. We all need it....

-Aimee

Chinese Water Torture? Chronic Illness? What's The Difference?

Spring time is rolling around, and that is the best possible news for me. It seems like every winter I get trapped in an awful cycle of flares. The most recent flare: 9 months and going strong. That is far too long to be experiencing pain on a daily basis. That is enough to drive even the most level headed person a little mad. It is like Chinese Water Torture:

Chinese Water Torture Device





Living with chronic pain is just like that. I mean these devices were honestly meant to drive people mad, wreathing, insanely, bonkers. It starts with only small drops of water. One drop, then two drops, then three, then four...... and on, and on the cycle continues. Drip, Drop, Drip, Drop, Drip, Drop........

In the beginning you think to yourself: This is no big deal, I can handle this. It's ONLY water. I am alive and kicking, and that is all that matters. You would continue thinking this for a long while. I mean really, this can't be so bad. Drip, Drop, Drip, Drop, Drip.........

After awhile you would begin to find it perpetually annoying having water dripped over, and over on your forehead. Drip, Drop.... You would find it more and more difficult to keep your mind off of the nagging, aching spot where the water continues to weep on your forehead. The water droplets are collecting now, on your cheeks, in your ears, and it has soaked your shirt. You start to shiver, and now realize that you are going to be cold, wet, and continually annoyed by the drizzle still impacting that same nagging spot for a very long time. Drip, Drop, Drip, Drop..........

This is okay. I can make it. It is still only water. I would never let something like the dripping of water get me down. I am strong, and I will make it.

Days pass by, and one by one you make it through each day. Friends and family stop by to make conversation. Simple conversations are enough for you. You are just happy to have some company. You try your best to not focus on the torture inflicted upon you. Drip, drop, drip..... The pure anger that you are experiencing by now is cutting at you. You want to do something, anything, to get out of the situation that you are now trapped in for an unknowing amount of time. Maybe forever. It could be forever. Drip, Drop, Drip, Drop, Drip.......You cannot let this thought go: What if this is my life forever? Can I really handle this until the end of my time? Am I going to make it through this? You are so wreathing angry that you want to just come unglued! You hang in there, letting the days continually pass by you. You loose count of how many suns and moons you have watched pass over you.

Drip, Drop, Drip....... You let go of being angry at your situation because, after all, you must have done something for this to be your fate. You know that there is nothing you can do to get out of having to endure many, many, many more moons of this trickle that now feels like it is plummeting into your head at high speeds. It now feels as if the steady Drip, Drop, Drip of water has been replaced with pebbles. Plip, Plop, Plip, Plop, Plip, Plop..... Sadness replaces your anger as you realize this is only going to get worse, and worse for you.

Oh, I have got to catch a break somehow. Maybe if I just pretend it isn't there it will just go away. Maybe I can pray my way out. Maybe I can do something. Maybe I can escape this, somehow.....

The Plip, Plop, Plip, Plopping goes on and on, never-ending. It has become unbearably excruciating by this point, and you cannot keep your thoughts from deceiving you. I should just call this quits. I cannot take it anymore! Someone, please, untie me!!!! Nobody can help you. They fear if they help you the DEA (Distress Enforcement Agency) will strike them down. The spot on your forehead has begun to become concaved as your skull bone begins to give way to the Plip, Plop, Drip, Drop of the water. The pain that you feel by this point is beyond agonizing. Every single Plip, Plop makes a thunderous sound resonate between your temples. Your head now feels like it has grown to double it's size but still looks normal. You cannot see the inflammation and pain that is piercing through your entire head.

You haven't slept completely in months. You can sometimes nod off and rest for a little bit of time. You have gotten so used to the Drip, Dropping that impacts your face that you now find yourself being able to keep your mind off of it long enough to get some rest. Sure enough, it never lasts very long. One particularly heavy droplet always seems to wake you up much too soon. Ugh!

You find yourself beginning to let the sadness overtake you. There is no way out of this mess. There is nothing that can save you. I just want 30 seconds of relief, that is all I ask for! 30 Seconds! Please, give me 30 damn seconds of not feeling this water drip on my forehead. I will do ANYTHING! By this point you are screaming in pain. You are praying to every God you can think of to ask for relief. You are begging, pleading, and seriously fearing going mad. The Distress Enforcement Agency patrol the area to be absolutely sure that passersby do not attempt to deflect to some of the drops from your reddening skull.

I can't let myself go mad! I can't let that happen. I told myself this was nothing. I have got to make it through this. I will find a way.

You try to distract yourself by any means possible. You focus your attention on every thought that you capture and cling to it for dear life. You think of your family and how it must pain them to see you locked in that state. You thank your God that they cannot see the true amount of torment that you are experiencing. After all, all they see is a simple drop of water leaking out in a seemingly nonspecific way. While you are contemplating scalping yourself for hopes that it will relieve some of the pain, they only see Drip, Drop, Drip, Drip, Drop, Drip, Drop, Drip, Drip, Drop...... They hardly even notice the droplets escaping from the reservoir. After awhile they begin to wonder why on Earth you are letting little drops of water get to you so much. Plip, Plop, Plip....  They visit less and less often, sure that you are over exaggerating how utterly painful a few drops of water can be.

Slowly, but surely you begin to notice the worst of thoughts trafficking your mind. You loose any sense of emotion that you once felt. But, you keep on going. Not because you can, but only because you have to. You have no other choice. Plip, Plop, Drip, Drop.....

Years pass by. Your not even sure how many. Everyday is the same thing. Drip, Drop.... Every moment is the same thing. Pain, grief, and it goes on.

The only choice you have any more is to change yourself. You begin to focus only on the good thoughts and let them linger longer. You clutch to them and nurture them like they were your only child. You feed those positive thoughts until those are the only thoughts you can think. You start to find a melody in the pattern of the water droplets Drip, Plop, Plop, Drip, Plop, Plippity, Plop... You learn to ignore negative thoughts, and thrive on the positive ones. Suddenly, life kind of seems worth living even whilst the dropping and plopping continues on the outskirts.

Of course, living in those circumstances warrants for some mental breakdowns, periods of grievance, and many days spent being abnormally pissed off. You can carry some hope knowing that someday you just might be let go. Time continues on, and you get through each day One At A Time.

Chinese Water Torture; It Sure Is A Lot Like Chronic Illness

HUGS; 6 ways To Avoid Them

This is typically what I think to myself when people try to hug me. Not because I don't like hugs, but because they stinking HURT! Especially when they squeeze just a little bit...... and it feels like they are the Hulk and they are crushing every bone in your body with little effort. There are a few things you can do to avoid hugs:

1. Awkwardly pull back into a half-ass handshake, and act like that was what you were going for the whole time.

2. Point into space and claim you saw aliens. "Hey, look over there!"

3. Claim you are terrified of germs. "Eww, gross, don't touch me."

 

4. Act so completely insane that the person decides not to hug you.

5. Run away, hide, or escape.

 



6. Flat out deny the hug.

 

 

-Aimee