It is so interesting to me how we can feel the way we do and look just fine. How does this happen? I can go to work feeling like I was drug behind a truck with a rope tied to my ankle for 30 bumpy, rocky miles. Every fiber of my being aches. People can not contemplate how your head, legs, arms, neck, back, and feet hurt all at the same time. Your insides roll, and quiver, and shake. Your back muscles twitch, while your calves near spasm every time you take another step. Every muscle that isn't twitching is so taught with tension that your are afraid to lift things for fear that it will get any worse. You feel like every muscle is going to give out. On top of that the world is practically spinning, and you are so dizzy you feel liking running to the nearest bathroom to prey to the porcelain gods that this will all just go away! We can make it through days like this. We do it all the time. And still, even on days like that we still hear "You look good today". All you can do is laugh at that point really. I am so glad I can still look good through all of that, now that is fucking talent!
This is a common scenario for people with fibro, chronic pain, and autoimmune diseases. My body is destroying itself from the inside out, attacking itself all of the time, but nobody would ever suspect anything if it wasn't for us telling them. Better yet, you could be miserable one day and drastically better the next. Without us coming out and telling people, they would probably never know. We literally have to come out of the #Spoonie closet. This unfortunately usually leads to them not really believing you, or not understanding at all. Still, it is a process, a difficult one. I started with my closest family, and didn't even do that until I had a near mental breakdown over the pain. I have mentioned it to coworkers in passing, and a friend or two. It was hard, and still is. There is never a good time to bring up your suffering, so you keep that beast locked up. Unfortunately, I am getting to the point in this disease that I am having trouble hiding it anymore. It is getting to be to much to hide, to lock away, to grin and bare. I am almost always limping, grinding my teeth, and holding my back like a 90-year-old. I can't hide it no matter how hard I try, but I also can't talk about it no matter how hard I try. Between a rock and a hard place, really.
I know the healthy way to handle this problem, and I understand the destructive natures of the other path. I can preach about communication until I was blue in the face, but practicing it is a whole different story. Some day, I really hope to be an advocate for Fibromyalgia awareness. I want to start support groups, and plan events. I have a LOT to work on mentally before I get there, but that is my goal. I guess I better learn how to talk about it and even just tell people first. HA I set this specific goal for myself simply because I knew it would make me have to learn to better communicate, and learn to better live with what I was given. Which, will also help with my ultimate goal of becoming more transparent.
My husband has told me that the entire first 6 months we were dating, he had no idea how I even felt about him. That hurt to hear honestly, not because he hurt my feelings or anything, but because I realized that I don't show those I love how much I care about them because I am too busy hiding behind this damn mask. Too busy trying to hide my pain, my sadness, my worries, my fears. I didn't realize that in hiding all of these things, I began hiding myself. That is one sucky quality to have, so I'm going to change it. I'm going to become more transparent. For my marriage, for my son, for myself. My son should know how much I love him, my family, my friends, they should know too.
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