One very difficult thing to live with is guilt. Many people feel guilty for various reasons, some that they can control, some that they can't. Some might have committed a crime, or hurt someone, broke someone's heart, not given enough, needed too much, or just plain feel guilty for being themselves. Guilt is a hard emotion to deal with. If you let go of your guilt, are you letting down the person you feel guilty for hurting? This scenario often only creates more guilt in the person trying to let it go. Yet, if you hold on to your guilt, the only person you are hurting is yourself. Some, such as myself, would rather hold on to the guilt themselves rather than hurt the people they are trying to protect. Guilt comes in many shapes and forms. Some might drowned their guilt in alcohol, some might hide their guilt, yet others might communicate their guilt, or become dependent on things to distract them from it. Everybody faces their guilt a different way, some healthy, some not so healthy.
I live with a great deal of guilt. There I said it, I FEEL SO GUILTY!!!! Wow, that felt good. I feel guilty for not being able to live up to expectations. I feel guilty for not being able to keep up with everyday things like a 24-year-old should be able to. I feel it everyday. I feel guilty that I don't have the energy to play with my son more often. For not being able to cook a decent meal every night, or even most nights. For not being able to keep my house clean. For not being able to enjoy hobbies like hiking and hunting. For not being all that I can be for my husband. For not being able to perform at my best at work. For disappointing my mom. For loosing my friends. For being unreliable. I FEEL SO, SO GUILTY.
One of the biggest decisions that I am facing in my life right now is my career. Nearly 8 years ago my mother opened the doors of her first restaurant. At 16 I began to work for her as a server. It was a tiny building next to a highway with only 7 tables and a small rap around bar. Within a year or two we had lines running around the outside of the building. Way too many customers for such a small place, so we found a new place and moved the business. Again, two or three years later we had outgrown another building. Now, our current location is also becoming a bit cramped. I grew up in this business. I have been waiting tables for as long as I could have a job, possibly 9 or 10 years. Now, this place has become my baby. It is my home away from home. I love it, I nurture it, I try my best to make sure that it is the best damn place to go in town, the cleanest place, and the friendliest place. This also means that over the years I have become the general manager, I make about 50 to 60 pies a week, I do all of the advertising, networking, hiring, firing, a lot of the training, organizing, blah, blah, blah. I am also "on the floor" waiting tables 4 days a week as well. I love my job! I mean I love my job when I am not having a flare...... I do a lot. Even for someone who does not have fibromyalgia, I do a lot. It is stressful, and wild, and irritating, and some days I just want to throw up my hands and quit, but I am so emotionally attached to it that this business has become my baby. I do not know what I would do without it. My mother has put up with a lot of my faults over the years, but I always try to make up for it by busting my ass, but sometimes I just simply can't. During the 5 years or so that I had been trying to figure out what the hell went wrong with my body, went to college and got my Associates in Psychology and went on to schooling for Medical Transcription because I knew I would never be able to keep waiting tables and managing a business. I thought that I had MS for well over a year so I thought I was going to have to take a desk job, and I enjoy medical jargon and such so I finished the Medical Transcription course. Then I decided I would never survive a desk job. I like to be up and going. Anyways, I stayed at the restaurant regardless. Now, I'm struggling to keep up at all.
This restaurant could be mine one day, and I dream of the day it is. I am set up for a future that can hopefully be adaptable to my ever changing health. If I could only make it until then. Half the time I honestly feel like I am dying, and that is no joke at all. I am sick, very sick. I am ill, and I have finally come to terms with the fact that I have fibromyalgia. I am draining myself, my health, by doing what I am doing. I am pushing my body far beyond it's limits. It is screaming at me to stop, but I can't. There is no way that there is not severe damage going on inside my body. I can't stop here. I want to do so much more. I want to be successful, and be happy, and be a great mom, and a great wife! But, this disease is tearing down my dreams. I can't make it long enough to own it, but I cannot qualify for disability because I could technically take a desk job. I am afraid for my future, and my capabilities. It is hard to make the choice between a career and your health, and that is a decision that a 20-something-year-old should not have to make, ever. That is a decision that I am not ready to make. It not only affects me, but also my family. My husband, my son, and my mom. I always wanted to prove to my mom that I could handle it, and I can, but not without really making myself suffer for it. I dream to be able to eventually own the business and fund my moms retirement account. But, how can I without killing myself in the process? I would feel so much more guilt to have to walk away.
Oh guilt, how you destroy me. I want to be the best wife and the best mom. I have trouble keeping my patience when I am in so much pain. But, no matter how much pain I am in, and no matter how deathly ill I feel, there is still a lot to be done. Dishes have to get done, the family fed, the kid his bath, and the nightly bedtime battle with a 2-year-old. My husband is supportive, he says "if you don't feel like doing things, just don't do them". I love him for understanding, but how the hell are things going to get done then???? He often works late, and is not here to help when at work, so it is up to me to get things done. I can't just not feed the kid because I don't feel well. It doesn't work like that. It is not practical. I feel so guilty when I can't fold the umpteen baskets of clothes that I can't hardly stand it. I do it anyways. I can't stand the dishes piling up, so I do them. The house needs dusting, so I dust. The lawn has to be mowed, so I mow. I just do it. I can't not. Unfortunately, this only results in more BLEEPING pain, and putting myself through all that while in pain only escalates all of the other freaky symptoms. Soon, it spirals out of control. The anxiety and depression start to roll in. The muscles in my arms, face, and legs start to twitch near constantly, then everything goes down hill from there. I have been in this same flare for more than 9 months. This is the longest one I have had so far, and it only seems to be getting worse. I am starting to wonder if I will actually ever come out of it. I am terrified that this is it. I cannot remember when my last "good day" was. I have become so used to feeling like hell that I really do not know what it feels like to be okay. There is so much more than pain in fibromyalgia, but the pain is the absolute worst part about it. I gave birth to my son naturally with no medication, and some days, the pain is comparable to that. At least that pain had an end. I broke my clavicle playing football with friends (which is the accident that triggered my fibromyalgia) and I would so much rather have that pain back than this. That pain also would have had an end if it didn't lead to this crap. But, if you put a person in that much pain for 9 straight months, they are bound to want to do something crazy. Knowing there is no cure, not even a single treatment that has helped only makes your soul bleed. Knowing your friends and family will never understand. Now, that right there is enough to drive a person mad! I sure hope I have the strength to make it through this. I'll keep fighting, because that's just what we do. We are bad asses because we do fight through this crap! And we survive, just with a little less of our soul.
(Side note: People need to realize that servers are actual, breathing, human beings. They have kids, families, aspirations, dreams, and work their tails off to make other people happy. Many servers have college degrees, but can make more money being a server. Also, severs should not be treated as robots, servants, or low-lives. Because servers make their living on tips, they are taxed heavily on those tips. If you go someplace and do not tip your server, you are actually costing them money to wait on you. Please, please, do not be one of those customers that costs me money to wait on. 15-20% is the average tip, but if your server worked hard to make your experience enjoyable, then they probably deserve more. Treat them well, and they will surely make you a priority and make your stay a great one. And even if you do not agree with tipping, at least be respectful and courteous so they don't associate your face with the devil.)
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