A moment in the life...

Most people in my life have no idea that I have Fibromyalgia. I keep it to myself even when it comes to my family. I mean, my family knows, but what I actually share about it is nearly nothing compared to what goes on in my mind about it. Though they know, they cannot help but doubt me and it is no wonder why, honestly. I don't show my pain, I don't announce my suffering, I don't acknowledge the disease very often. Even when I don't talk about it, I feel it. Every minute, of every hour, of every damned day, and so on. It lives with me, permanently. I think about it so often that sometimes I obsess on it, but how could we not? We feel it, ALL THE TIME. It is there. Even when it is not full force, it is there in the back of my mind. Even when I do seam to escape the thoughts of it, there is some twinge, some shooting pain, some numbness to remind me that it is still there nagging at me for attention. No matter how many times I have tried to convince myself that I am just bat-shit crazy, like others would think of me, it still creeps its way back in and consumes me all over again. Eventually, you learn to hide it. We all learn how to hide it so well, that people just simply forget or don't understand our suffering. It can create one whirlwind of a lonely existence, really. We can't expect others to understand it because they have never lived it, and let's just face it, people are not exactly sympathetic. "Oh, you get headaches, well so do I." People without Fibromyalgia don't understand how that simple statement rips that little tear your heart has just a little deeper every time you hear it, yet anyone with Fibro understands all too well.

I have waited tables for probably 8 or 9 years now, and anybody that has been doing it for quite some time can attest to how servers should probably be paid comparable to an actor or an actress. I cannot think of anything better to teach you how to fake a smile. Your bills depend on it! Ask me how I am doing? "I'm great" Always with a smile...... Okay, most of the time. Meanwhile, I feel like I was run over by a Mac truck and inside I am thinking *Someone please put me out of my misery!!!!!!!* During flares, it gets harder to hide it. I'm desperately trying to walk like a normal person, but usually have some sort of muscle pain, spasm, or twitch keeping me from doing so. People must think I am strange; limping one day and not the next. So, I do try my best to hide my misgivings. Some days, I can hardly lift a thing, and others I feel like superwoman compared to the day before. The unpredictability of it is not practical of living a normal, productive life. I could feel fine an entire day and in one minute that could completely change, but I never know when it is going to happen....

Any given 20 minute period in the life of a Spoonie:

Suddenly, a hot flash comes on, and makes your innards feel like they are in a kiln. You start sweating and turn a shade of red that would normally only come on after intense exercise. As your wiping the dripping sweat off of your forehead, you start feeling that dizzying sensation, like you just got off the Zipper. Your stomach aches for relief and you get the odd feeling that you are going to toss your cookies. Your mouth waters and all you can think about is needing an entire bottle of ice cold water to cool yourself. Next thing you know, you are so weak you can hardly find the strength to stand. Chair, please. Sitting doesn't help. You try your best to carry on with the day as the headache sets in. That aching, throbbing, tenseness that engulfs your skull. It keeps nagging at you, distracting you. You push all this down and carry on. Then, while carrying on about as "normal" your biceps start to feel like you have just carried 150 pound barbells around for the last hour. They squeeze, and tense, and pull so hard you wonder if they are actually capable of tearing in half. "They are just plates of food for God's sake, pull yourself together!" you tell yourself. Another twinge in your stomach brings on another, yet strong, wave of nausea and dizziness reminding you yet again of the heat that is radiating around your body.  As usual, you attempt to dismiss your body's complaints as nothing. Later, going on about your business, as you pass a clipboard to someone, a shooting pain runs from the base of your neck, along a nerve, to your elbow making it feel like you just wacked your "funny bone", HARD. Out of nowhere, you drop the clipboard but pretend like it was no big thing. Just another day you think, just another reminder.

So, if you are reading this and think that someone you know may be faking their Fibromyalgia, well, they probably are. They are faking being okay, they are faking being not in pain, they ARE faking it, just not in the way you expected. It is all a show. We hide it for ourselves, so we can look as "normal" as possible, so we can try to get through our day, so we don't sound like complainers, so we don't aggravate others, and so we don't have to hear "Oh, I get tired sometimes too" one more freaking time. We hide it for ourselves, yes, but mostly, we hide it for you. We hide it just so you never find out exactly how much we are really suffering, how much pain we are in, or how close we are to the breaking point. Why share the pain and suffering? Why put those we love in pain because we are?  God knows that hearing about our pain hurts the ones that love us. We hide it to protect ourselves and others. And we are damn good at it too.

Please, I ask, don't discount my pain.