Spring time is rolling around, and that is the best possible news for me. It seems like every winter I get trapped in an awful cycle of flares. The most recent flare: 9 months and going strong. That is far too long to be experiencing pain on a daily basis. That is enough to drive even the most level headed person a little mad. It is like Chinese Water Torture:
Chinese Water Torture Device
Living with chronic pain is just like that. I mean these devices were honestly meant to drive people mad, wreathing, insanely, bonkers. It starts with only small drops of water. One drop, then two drops, then three, then four...... and on, and on the cycle continues. Drip, Drop, Drip, Drop, Drip, Drop........
In the beginning you think to yourself: This is no big deal, I can handle this. It's ONLY water. I am alive and kicking, and that is all that matters. You would continue thinking this for a long while. I mean really, this can't be so bad. Drip, Drop, Drip, Drop, Drip.........
After awhile you would begin to find it perpetually annoying having water dripped over, and over on your forehead. Drip, Drop.... You would find it more and more difficult to keep your mind off of the nagging, aching spot where the water continues to weep on your forehead. The water droplets are collecting now, on your cheeks, in your ears, and it has soaked your shirt. You start to shiver, and now realize that you are going to be cold, wet, and continually annoyed by the drizzle still impacting that same nagging spot for a very long time. Drip, Drop, Drip, Drop..........
This is okay. I can make it. It is still only water. I would never let something like the dripping of water get me down. I am strong, and I will make it.
Days pass by, and one by one you make it through each day. Friends and family stop by to make conversation. Simple conversations are enough for you. You are just happy to have some company. You try your best to not focus on the torture inflicted upon you. Drip, drop, drip..... The pure anger that you are experiencing by now is cutting at you. You want to do something, anything, to get out of the situation that you are now trapped in for an unknowing amount of time. Maybe forever. It could be forever. Drip, Drop, Drip, Drop, Drip.......You cannot let this thought go: What if this is my life forever? Can I really handle this until the end of my time? Am I going to make it through this? You are so wreathing angry that you want to just come unglued! You hang in there, letting the days continually pass by you. You loose count of how many suns and moons you have watched pass over you.
Drip, Drop, Drip....... You let go of being angry at your situation because, after all, you must have done something for this to be your fate. You know that there is nothing you can do to get out of having to endure many, many, many more moons of this trickle that now feels like it is plummeting into your head at high speeds. It now feels as if the steady Drip, Drop, Drip of water has been replaced with pebbles. Plip, Plop, Plip, Plop, Plip, Plop..... Sadness replaces your anger as you realize this is only going to get worse, and worse for you.
Oh, I have got to catch a break somehow. Maybe if I just pretend it isn't there it will just go away. Maybe I can pray my way out. Maybe I can do something. Maybe I can escape this, somehow.....
The Plip, Plop, Plip, Plopping goes on and on, never-ending. It has become unbearably excruciating by this point, and you cannot keep your thoughts from deceiving you. I should just call this quits. I cannot take it anymore! Someone, please, untie me!!!! Nobody can help you. They fear if they help you the DEA (Distress Enforcement Agency) will strike them down. The spot on your forehead has begun to become concaved as your skull bone begins to give way to the Plip, Plop, Drip, Drop of the water. The pain that you feel by this point is beyond agonizing. Every single Plip, Plop makes a thunderous sound resonate between your temples. Your head now feels like it has grown to double it's size but still looks normal. You cannot see the inflammation and pain that is piercing through your entire head.
You haven't slept completely in months. You can sometimes nod off and rest for a little bit of time. You have gotten so used to the Drip, Dropping that impacts your face that you now find yourself being able to keep your mind off of it long enough to get some rest. Sure enough, it never lasts very long. One particularly heavy droplet always seems to wake you up much too soon. Ugh!
You find yourself beginning to let the sadness overtake you. There is no way out of this mess. There is nothing that can save you. I just want 30 seconds of relief, that is all I ask for! 30 Seconds! Please, give me 30 damn seconds of not feeling this water drip on my forehead. I will do ANYTHING! By this point you are screaming in pain. You are praying to every God you can think of to ask for relief. You are begging, pleading, and seriously fearing going mad. The Distress Enforcement Agency patrol the area to be absolutely sure that passersby do not attempt to deflect to some of the drops from your reddening skull.
I can't let myself go mad! I can't let that happen. I told myself this was nothing. I have got to make it through this. I will find a way.
You try to distract yourself by any means possible. You focus your attention on every thought that you capture and cling to it for dear life. You think of your family and how it must pain them to see you locked in that state. You thank your God that they cannot see the true amount of torment that you are experiencing. After all, all they see is a simple drop of water leaking out in a seemingly nonspecific way. While you are contemplating scalping yourself for hopes that it will relieve some of the pain, they only see Drip, Drop, Drip, Drip, Drop, Drip, Drop, Drip, Drip, Drop...... They hardly even notice the droplets escaping from the reservoir. After awhile they begin to wonder why on Earth you are letting little drops of water get to you so much. Plip, Plop, Plip.... They visit less and less often, sure that you are over exaggerating how utterly painful a few drops of water can be.
Slowly, but surely you begin to notice the worst of thoughts trafficking your mind. You loose any sense of emotion that you once felt. But, you keep on going. Not because you can, but only because you have to. You have no other choice. Plip, Plop, Drip, Drop.....
Years pass by. Your not even sure how many. Everyday is the same thing. Drip, Drop.... Every moment is the same thing. Pain, grief, and it goes on.
The only choice you have any more is to change yourself. You begin to focus only on the good thoughts and let them linger longer. You clutch to them and nurture them like they were your only child. You feed those positive thoughts until those are the only thoughts you can think. You start to find a melody in the pattern of the water droplets Drip, Plop, Plop, Drip, Plop, Plippity, Plop... You learn to ignore negative thoughts, and thrive on the positive ones. Suddenly, life kind of seems worth living even whilst the dropping and plopping continues on the outskirts.
Of course, living in those circumstances warrants for some mental breakdowns, periods of grievance, and many days spent being abnormally pissed off. You can carry some hope knowing that someday you just might be let go. Time continues on, and you get through each day One At A Time.
Chinese Water Torture; It Sure Is A Lot Like Chronic Illness
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